I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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