Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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