If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
