do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
