i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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