just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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