I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
