I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
