your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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