You can't special order awesome
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize