I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
