I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
