so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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