if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
