if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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