he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's never too late to be topless.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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