I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
