You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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