hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
