This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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