so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
