i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The ass gains better be worth it
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