I don't think brook has ever known best
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
