I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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