Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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