Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
