a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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