dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
