You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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