had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
