Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have fence marks all over my body
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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