The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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