we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The air taste purple.
Randomize
