saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
