worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
