If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
