You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
