wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Randomize
