Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
