Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
