i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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