So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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