I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
