We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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