i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
