Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
