I'm so fucking centered right now
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
God, I missed his penis.
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