i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
