i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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