So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
