At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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