Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
