morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
