If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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