omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
