Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There's always time for handjobs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
