OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
